Arctic Banana's Halloween Craptacular
by Arctic Banana
Summary: It's a very bizarre Halloween indeed for the Decepticons this year. Contents include Telitubby costumes, creepy old perverts, ghosts, lots and lots of alcohol, and more in this insane tale of spookified insanity.


_I couldn't think of a title for the life of me. The one I used occured to me just now, and I thought, "Eh, why the hell not?"_

_I had this done for a month and had this planned for even longer. Their Halloween costumes had been picked out since January. I'm really happy with how it turned out. =)_

_This fic contains appearances by Blackout's kitten and Optimus Prime's daughter. It also contains references to Family Guy, The Shining, and a few other things. See if you can spot them all. ;)_

* * *

Blackout walked out of the back room after getting on his Halloween costume. "Barricade, hurry the hell up!" he called behind him.

"We have time, jerkoff! Now leave me alone!" Barricade snapped back.

Bonecrusher was sitting on the couch in the mummy costume he'd made from bandages he stole from the medbay. Blackout sat beside him and propped his feet up on the table. "Hey! Jason Voorhees! I was wondering what you wanted to borrow my hockey mask for. You know, Brawl's afraid of him," Bonecrusher said, looking over his costume.

"He is? But we never let him watch any of the Friday the 13th movies…" Blackout replied.

"Yeah, I know _you_ didn't. Remember when we went on vacation at the lake two months ago?" Blackout nodded. "Well, while you guys were off doing whatever the hell it is you were doing, I let Brawl watch the Friday the 13th remake with me on the portable DVD player. He wouldn't go in the water with us afterwards because I told him that that's where Jason Voorhees died, and if he went in there, Jason would get him."

Blackout was silent a moment. "Why do you torment the poor kid like that?"

"Because it's one of the few sources of joy I get in this world," Bonecrusher replied.

"So, are you going Trick-or-Treating with Frenzy and Scorponok?" Blackout asked.

"Well, Brawl and I were going to hit a couple houses for a snack, and then we're going ghost hunting. I figured we'd start at the cemetery and then hit the old hotel on the way back. If we get caught trespassing, I'll trip Brawl while we run for it so I can get away while they arrest him," he said giddily, almost as if he were hoping they'd get caught trespassing. Blackout shook his head. Poor Brawl. "You?"

"Barricade and I were going to a party over at the Autobot's place. Which means Barricade's going to end up piss drunk and make me carry him home tonight…"

Barricade finally walked into the room wearing his costume. "Alright, Blackout! I'm ready!"

"What the fuck are you supposed to be?" Blackout asked. "Carmen Miranda?"

"I'm the Chiquita Banana lady. It was the scariest thing I could think of," Barricade replied.

"You're scared of the Chiquita Banana lady?" Bonecrusher asked.

"You're scared of sauerkraut, so I wouldn't even start," Barricade growled.

"Hey, I do not enjoy pickled cabbage on my food, thank you very much," he retorted.

Blackout's spark lit up when his little pride and joy scurried into the room wearing his own costume. "Scorponok, you look so adorable!" Scorponok looked very pleased with himself and started wagging his tail. "Who's the cutest sheepie in the world?"

_Me! I'm the cutest sheepie! _Scorponok replied, jumping up onto Blackout's leg so his master could admire him more.

"And how does the sheep go?" he asked.

_Moo! _Scorponok said excitedly.

"Eh, close enough," Blackout shrugged. He picked up Scorponok and held him out so Bonecrusher and Barricade could see him, much to their unamusement. "Isn't he the cutest thing you ever saw?" he cooed.

"Yeah, Blackout. He's positively adorkable," Barricade replied sarcastically. Jason Voorhees and…a sheep…only in Blackout's family. He sat down on the other side of Bonecrusher. "So where's Brawl? Weren't you guys going ghost hunting?"

"Yeah…he should be getting out here any minute now, barring he didn't forget how to open the door again," Bonecrusher sighed. He picked up the remote and flipped through the channels, looking for something to watch while they waited. "Hey look! Friday the 13th!"

"My favorite movie!" Blackout added.

"Friday the 13th is your favorite movie? Never would have guessed," Barricade replied sardonically.

"Well what's your favorite? The Gang's All Here?" Blackout retorted dryly.

"I'm the Chiquita Banana lady! And no, my favorite movie is Hot Fuzz, thank you very much."

"My favorite movie is The Thing," Bonecrusher replied.

_I like The Lion King, _Scorponok added.

Everyone was aware that Brawl had entered the room the second they heard a girlish scream, followed by, "Jason's come to kill me! He knows about that rock I threw in the lake!"

Blackout sighed and took his hockey mask off. "Brawl, it's me."

Brawl slowly poked his head around the doorway. "Blackout's Jason Voorhees?"

"It's a costume, dumb-dumb," Bonecrusher replied. Barricade sympathetically patted him on the back, knowing first hand from hanging out with Frenzy what he was going through. "What the hell are you going as? Our clean laundry?"

"I'm a ghost!" Brawl said proudly. Blackout and Barricade looked at each other, wondering whether to laugh or pity him.

"Yeah…Brawl, your ghost costume would have been scarier if you didn't make it out of Batman bed sheets," Bonecrusher pointed out.

Brawl looked down at his costume. "Oh…"

"Hey…at least bats are a common Halloween theme, right?" Barricade offered.

Bonecrusher glared at him and shook his head angrily. "I spend half my life trying to tear away at his self esteem, and you make an attempt at making him feel better?"

"Oh…forgive me for trying to make a friend feel better," Barricade snapped.

"Well, since you're ready, I guess it's time to go ghost hunting," Bonecrusher said, jumping off the couch. He grabbed Brawl and made to leave, but stopped when Megatron dragged a very unwilling Starscream into the room. "Uh…what the fuck?"

"Starscream, get in here now!" Megatron demanded. Starscream reluctantly entered the room so that everyone could see his costume.

"Lose a bet, Starscream?" Blackout asked as everyone in the room started laughing at his expense.

"Yep! And he has to pass out candy to all the neighborhood children in this," Megatron said, quite amused.

"I hate you all…" Starscream growled.

"Aren't you that freak from that TV show that Brawl likes to watch?" Bonecrusher asked.

"Tinkie Winkie!" Brawl squealed excitedly.

"You're the gay Teletubby?" Barricade said while trying to hold back his laughter.

"You have no room to talk, Carmen Miranda," Starscream snapped bitterly.

"I'm the Chiquita Banana lady!" Barricade retorted.

Frenzy walked in behind him, feeling much better about the fact that he had to wear a pumpkin costume because it was the only one the store had that fit him. Maybe he should just stand next to Starscream all night. On second thought…

_Moo! Moo! I'm a sheepie! _Scorponok exclaimed while prancing around the room. His sister, Mittens, stood against the wall watching him with a deeply disturbed look. Yeah, he would look normal compared to the giant mooing sheep.

"What are you supposed to be, my Lord?" Blackout asked, noticing that he wasn't wearing a costume.

"I'm dressed as a robot who didn't want to dress up for Halloween," Megatron replied. He shoved a bowl of candy into Starscream's hands. "There are two more bags on the table by the front door if you run out. Have fun!" Starscream flipped him the birdie once he had his back turned. "If anyone needs me, I'll be sitting in the bushes with a hose, spraying anyone that tries to TP us."

Brawl waved to everyone while Bonecrusher dragged him outside. Blackout turned to Scorponok and handed him a pillow case. "Stay with Frenzy and don't eat anything until I can get home to check it, got that Scorpy?" Scorponok nodded and took the pillow case.

Barricade looked at Frenzy. "Remember the rules I told you?"

Frenzy nodded. "Don't go down any dark streets or back alleys, if that creepy old mech down the street invites me into his basement for popsicles say no, and any Kit Kat bars, Milk Duds, or Snickers go to you, especially if they're full-sized and not those little bite-sized bars."

"Good boy!" Barricade patted him on the head.

"Wow, Cade…you trained him well," Blackout said after hearing the last one.

Barricade grabbed his hand and dragged him away. "To the party! Away!"

"Oh, Scorponok, don't forget to use that glow bracelet I gave you so that you don't get slaughtered crossing the street!" Blackout called before being dragged out the front door.

Scorponok gave his little sister a kiss goodbye before trotting out the front door after Frenzy to go Trick-or-Treating. Starscream glared at them as they walked by. All was silent, except for the occasional laughter that followed when someone came to get candy from Starscream. Starscream and the little girl taking candy from the bowl jumped when they heard someone screaming as they were hit with a freezing cold stream of water.

"Stay the hell away from our pumpkins, you vandal!" Megatron shouted.

* * *

Frenzy and Scorponok walked down the steps from a house with Bonecrusher and Brawl not far behind. "I got Mike & Ike's. What did you get?" Frenzy asked everyone.

_I got gum, _Scorponok replied, sifting through his pillow case.

"I got a dark chocolate Hershey bar," Bonecrusher added, gulping it down.

Brawl stood next to Bonecrusher, staring into his bucket disappointedly. "I got a rock."

"Well, that's enough Trick-or-Treating. Let's head on down to the cemetery!" Bonecrusher announced, grabbing Brawl's hand and dragging him along.

Frenzy turned to Scorponok. "Alright, here's the deal. Let's finish up on this street and start on the next one over. If we hurry, we should be able to hit half the neighborhood by the time we have to be back." Scorponok chirped and nodded. "What kind of sheep are you?" Scorponok mooed instead. "Eh, whatever. Let's get going!"

They quickly walked past The Fallen's house as Blackout and Barricade had instructed. "Aw, what a cute little pumpkin," The Fallen said, catching sight of Frenzy as they made their way past. "Why don't you come in for some popsicles? I've got a whole box of them in the freezer in my basement…"

"N-no thanks…" Frenzy shook his head.

_M-moo… _Scorponok added, shaking. He scooped up Frenzy and took off sprinting to get away.

"Come back here you little son of a bitch…" The Fallen growled.

* * *

Bonecrusher punched out the gate to the cemetery and motioned for Brawl to follow him. "Is this legal?" Brawl asked, looking around to make sure no one was looking as he wandered into the cemetery after Bonecrusher.

"It's only illegal if you get caught. Now quit bitching and get your ass over here!" Bonecrusher snapped. Brawl nervously followed behind.

They both trod through the graveyard, the ground still wet and mushy from the previous night's rain. Bonecrusher didn't seem in the least bit worried, while Brawl carefully tried to avoid stepping on anyone's grave. "Bonecrusher, I don't think we should be here…" Brawl said nervously.

"You know what this reminds me of? The opening scene of Night of the Living Dead. Maybe we'll get attacked by zombies, Brawl. Zombies…" Bonecrusher taunted. "It'll be just like in Thriller!"

"Stop it!" Brawl whimpered.

"And they'll eat your brains! Wait…okay, never mind. You should be safe," Bonecrusher added with a mocking tone. "Maybe if we ran into vampires instead…the kind that don't sparkle…"

"I want to go home," Brawl whimpered.

"Not until we see some ghosts," Bonecrusher replied, treading further into the cemetery. Brawl quickly ran to catch up with him and clung to his arm. "You do know that I bite, right?" Brawl quickly let go.

* * *

Blackout and Barricade rang the doorbell and waited patiently for someone to open it. Bumblebee opened the door wearing a lobster costume with a pink tutu. "Hey, you guys made it! Barricade, you're the Chiquita Banana lady?" he asked, looking over his costume.

"I'm the Chiquita Banana- oh…yes…" Barricade averted his optics.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" Blackout asked.

"Well, I didn't know whether I wanted to go as the lobster, or a ballerina…so I just went as a ballerina lobster," Bumblebee shrugged. He motioned for them to come in. "If you think my costume is strange, you should see Jazz."

"Why? What did Jazz dress up as?" Barricade asked.

"He's a figment of your imagination," Bumblebee replied, leading them to the party. They noticed Jazz walk by wearing a fancy 18th century hat, neon colored war paint, a pink and blue feather boa, fairy wings, and had a bunch of purple and green feathers sticking out of random spots on his armor. He noticed them staring and waved. "Last year he went as an undead hotdog. He just keeps getting weirder and weirder."

* * *

Frenzy and Scorponok sat together under a streetlamp and searched through the pillow cases they had full of candy. "Okay…I think we have time for one more block," Frenzy said, checking to make sure they still had room for one more block's worth of candy. "Alright. Which block do you want to go to?" Scorponok pointed to the left. "Okie dokie…then we'll go to the right!" Scorponok growled and reluctantly followed him.

* * *

Bonecrusher sat on a statue that marked a family plot while considering what to do. He hadn't seen any ghosts that weren't Brawl in his Batman bed sheet. Brawl tapped on his arm to get his attention. "Bonecrusher, I'm hungry. Can we go home and get something to eat?" he begged, trying to find a reason to get out of there.

Bonecrusher handed him an apple he had with him. "Here, eat this."

"You're actually giving me food instead of eating it in front of me?" Brawl asked, amazed.

Bonecrusher shrugged. "Why not? I put a razor blade in it." Brawl backed away slowly. Bonecrusher went back to thinking and then got an idea. "I know! If we can't find a ghost, we'll just summon one!"

"How do we do that?" Brawl asked, not liking the sound of this.

Bonecrusher reached into his storage and pulled a book out. "We'll use this Book of the Dead that I stole…er…borrowed from my girlfriend," he replied.

Brawl blinked a few times. "You have a girlfriend?"

"Unfortunately," Bonecrusher sighed. "She kind of walked up to me one day while I was minding my own business and drinking a slushie, pushed me into the mud, drank my slushie, declared I was her new boyfriend, and then stepped on me. I hate her so much…" he shuddered.

"Then why don't you break up with her?"

Bonecrusher looked genuinely scared for a moment. "She's into voodoo…" He set the book down on a tombstone. An ominous wind blew it open and turned it to the right page. "Ah…here we are…a ghost summoning spell!" Bonecrusher said with a smile.

"Bonecrusher, can we just go home and watch Ghost Hunters instead?" Brawl asked, clinging to his side again.

"If you're so scared of ghosts, then why are you dressed like one?" Bonecrusher asked, trying to shake him off to no avail.

"Because I'm not a scary ghost," Brawl replied, plastering himself to Bonecrusher so that he could not remove him. "I don't like scary ghosts…"

"Brawl, you think the ghosts from Pac-Man are scary," Bonecrusher pointed out. "Alright…let's see…I just need to repeat this supposedly magic sentence…"

Brawl looked over his shoulder. "_Lac lactis carnero canis piscis scaphium_. What's so magic about that?"

"It's Latin. Everyone knows that all magic phrases for summoning evil are in Latin," Bonecrusher replied.

Brawl suddenly panicked when he realized that he'd said it. "You mean I just summoned evil?!"

"If it worked, yes." Bonecrusher looked around, expecting something to pop out at them. After ten minutes of nothing, he began to grow irritated. "Aww…this book's a rip off artist. If I were my girlfriend, I'd want my money back." Brawl sighed with relief. "Well, let's get a move on to the hotel!"

Neither of them noticed the glowing eyes watching them as they left the cemetery…

* * *

Blackout looked around the room for his companion, worried about where he may be. He always got so drunk at parties…hell, he was drunk when there wasn't a party…hell, he was an alcoholic. Sobriety wasn't something that Barricade experienced often. He sighed, hoping Barricade wouldn't do something stupid and get them kicked out. He noticed Optimus Prime in a bunny costume and looked at him funny. "Uh…a bunny costume, Optimus?"

"Shut up. It's for my daughter," Optimus replied, nodding towards the sparkling that was playing with the "figment of their imagination".

"Have you seen Barricade?" Blackout asked, looking around for him as he spoke.

"Yeah. He's playing with the swivel chair." Optimus pointed him over to where Barricade was sitting, spinning around in a swivel chair drunkenly.

"Oh Primus…" Blackout groaned. "How much did he drink?"

"We stopped counting after the seventh one," Optimus replied. He noticed Jazz throwing Nevaeh up in the air and catching her, screamed, and rushed towards them in a panic before Jazz could drop his precious baby.

Blackout quickly went to get him, worrying about how he was going to look after him now that he was already drunk. It usually took him longer before he got to this state. "Barricade, are you feeling alright?" he asked once he was at his side.

Barricade almost fell out of his seat, whether it was because he was dizzy from spinning in it or drunk, Blackout couldn't tell. "Yeah, I'm fine," he replied, his words slurring. "Can you get me another one?" he asked, holding out his empty high grade.

"I think you drank enough," Blackout shook his head.

Barricade gave him an offended glare. "Fine. I'll get it myself, then." Blackout tried to stop him from getting up, but made no attempt to follow him once he was out of his reach. He only hoped he didn't do anything really stupid.

* * *

"Here we go! The old, abandoned hotel! They say people were murdered in here!" Bonecrusher said a little too enthusiastically.

Brawl whimpered and grabbed ahold of his hand. "Something doesn't feel right, Bonecrusher. Can I wait out here while you go in?"

Bonecrusher sighed. Brawl could be such a baby at times. "Fine. Just stay here and don't move. If I'm not back in an hour…" He paused for a moment. "Just keep waiting."

Brawl stood in place and watched Bonecrusher go in. Feeling a sneeze coming on, he tried to hold it back, causing him to nearly blow his brains out. "Oops…he told me not to move…"

* * *

Bonecrusher took a moment to admire the graffiti all over the walls before continuing on. Oh, if only he had a can of spray paint so that he could add to it… Moving on, he noticed that the messages were getting more and more ominous: "_Stop!" "Don't go further!" "Get out!" "Help me…" "Welcome to Hell." "The cake is a lie!" _They just kept going on and on. He turned a corner and felt an ominous presence.

He noticed that his proximity sensors had suddenly gone off. Spinning around, he noticed two twin little dead girls standing in the hallway, holding hands, and staring at him all creepily.

"Come play with us, Bonecrusher," they both said in unison. "Forever…and ever…and ever…"

Bonecrusher blinked a few times, staring at them. "Okay," he shrugged.

Minutes later…

"There's a guy behind the pillar," one of the girls informed Bonecrusher while they played a video game.

"Yeah, I see him. Thanks," Bonecrusher replied.

* * *

Brawl waited outside. Almost an hour later, he began to feel even more nervous, like something was watching him. Bonecrusher wasn't back yet to protect him or take him home, and he felt like there were eyes everywhere, and they were all staring at him. Bonecrusher had told him not to move. What if he left and Bonecrusher came back and he wasn't there? He couldn't think of anything else to do, so he did the next best thing: He called up Blackout.

* * *

Blackout sighed and answered his comlink. "Hello? Brawl? What's wrong?" He listened as Brawl started panicking into the comlink. "I'll see if I can contact Bonecrusher and tell him you need him, but I can't leave to come stay with you until he gets back. I've got a few issues of my own I need to take care of." He glanced over at Barricade to see what he was doing and face-palmed when he noticed that he was pissing in one of Jolt's pet potted plants. "Just stay calm. I'm sure you're just overly paranoid. Bonecrusher will be back soon." He cut off the link and quickly ran to Barricade's side. "Barricade! Don't do that! You know how Jolt is about his plants!"

* * *

"Well Megatron, it seems to be slowing down. Thank Primus," Starscream sighed in relief that he'd finally be able to take this Tinkie Winkie costume off.

Megatron popped out of the bushes a second. "Toss me one of those Twix!" he demanded. He caught it mid air and then hid back in the bushes. He looked behind him where he was taking a tally on the wall with chalk. "47 younglings…that's 8 more than I got last year," he said proudly, admiring the soaked ground around him.

"I still say that most of them were just trying to get some candy…" Starscream added, shaking his head.

* * *

Bonecrusher sighed as he got off the com with Blackout. He knew Brawl wouldn't be able to handle this…why did he ever agree to bring him along? He made his way back down the stairs from the top floor, deciding that next year he'd go alone, and left the hotel to find Brawl rocking back and forth on the ground outside. Once he saw that Bonecrusher was back, he quickly cheered and pounced on him.

"Ahh! Brawl, get the hell off of me!" Bonecrusher growled, pushing him off roughly.

"Something's watching us, Bonecrusher," Brawl whimpered, clinging to his arm.

Bonecrusher noticed that his proximity sensors were going off again, and Brawl wasn't the one setting them off. "Alright…wait here," he instructed, standing up. He slowly made his way away from Brawl and approached the area where whatever was waiting for them was located. Brawl heard him scream and immediately started to panic.

"Bonecrusher! What is it?! Is it a monster?!" he asked, wondering what to do.

"Worse…it's my girlfriend…" Bonecrusher replied, walking back over to him with a femme following him.

"Aww! You're dressed as a third degree burn victim this year!" she said, poking him in the head.

"I'm a mummy!" Bonecrusher growled.

"This is your girlfriend?" Brawl glared at her jealously.

"Catalyst, what are you doing here?" Bonecrusher asked, standing next to Brawl.

"Well, I was just sitting at home, thinking of our future together like I always am, when suddenly I heard someone say _'Lac lactis carnero canis piscis scaphium_'. So, I got this strange urge to go to the cemetery, saw you two, and followed you guys here," she replied.

Bonecrusher's optic twitched. He always knew this girl was evil. "Well, let's go home then, I guess."

"Yes…maybe then we can get started on our family. I want seven, you know."

Bonecrusher turned around and looked pleadingly at Brawl. "Help me…" he begged.

* * *

Just as Starscream and Megatron were about to pack it in, Sideswipe and Jolt came to their house and (following some insane laughter after seeing Starscream's costume) asked to come in for a bit.

"Why would you Autobots want to come into a Decepticon base?" Megatron asked, putting the hose back to the side of the base.

"Well, some guy dressed as Carmen Miranda came over with his serial killer friend and drank all the booze, so now there's nothing left. We were wondering if we could have some of yours?" Sideswipe asked.

Megatron looked suspiciously at Jolt. "Is he of legal drinking age?"

"He is on some planets," Sideswipe replied.

"Okay, fair enough. Come on in!"

* * *

Blackout walked in through the front door with a passed out Barricade in his arms. Upon seeing him enter, Mittens ran to him and brushed up against his foot. He noticed the two Autobots that were watching him from the kitchen. "Uh…how did you two get in here?" he asked.

"Look, Sideswipe! It's the guy who drank all the high grade!" Jolt said. Blackout thought maybe this would be a bad time to tell him what Barricade did to his ficus.

"Is he going to be okay?" Sideswipe asked as Blackout plopped him on the couch in the other room.

"He'll be fine…until he wakes up with a hangover," Blackout replied. He pulled his hands away from Barricade when he threw up.

"Roll him over onto his side…that's how Hendrix died," Sideswipe warned him.

Jolt picked up the machete that was part of Blackout's costume. "Holy crap, it's real! I thought it was just rubber!" How the hell did he manage to get that into the Autobot base?

The front door opened and Frenzy and Scorponok came in hauling two pillow cases full of candy. They both scurried into the living room and promptly dumped both of them out into one big pile in front of the TV. Sideswipe, Jolt, Mittens, and Blackout were staring at them, amazed at how much candy they had. Blackout suspected that somewhere along the way, Frenzy was using Scorponok's sheer size to bully sparklings into giving up their candy. That must be an interesting situation…getting threatened by a giant sheep…

"So, I'm glad to see that you're both safe," Blackout finally said. He was worried the creepy guy down the street would get Frenzy.

"My only regret is that I have to give most of this to Barricade," Frenzy sighed, noticing that everyone seemed to be handing out Kit Kat bars this year. There must have been a sale on them or something. "How did the party go?"

"You can probably pretty much tell," Blackout replied, making sure that Barricade was on his side and covering him with a blanket. He patted him on the head and joined Frenzy and Scorponok in front of the TV to sort through their candy, allowing Mittens to climb into his lap as he did so. He turned on the TV and found them to be playing Halloween on the SyFy channel. "Alright, let's see what you guys got…"

Bonecrusher came into the base with some femme clinging to his arm and nagging him about something while Brawl followed them up to his room, jealously glaring at her. Bonecrusher looked like he wanted help. Maybe Blackout should save him? Neh…

"Oh look, Scorponok! Someone gave you a full sized bar!" Blackout said with a smile. Scorponok wagged his tail and did a little dance to Michael Myers' theme song that was coming through the TV.

* * *

_By the way, for those of you who are wondering, that so-called "evil Latin spell" is just a bunch of random words I put into an English-Latin translator. XD It translates roughly to "milk cow dog fish pot"._


End file.
